Ugly Feelings

At times like this, I'm very grateful this public blog is very much a safe space for me. Only less than a handful of people I know IRL actually know and read this. The seed of bitterness I've been feeling for quite a while finally rears its ugly head. I need to organise my thoughts. There is no point in writing this other than painting me as a selfish person. No one, not even my close friends and family, can look me in the eye and say that I'm a kind person. And I guess that's okay, at least I'm a selfish person with somewhat organised thoughts. Don't read further if you don't want to ruin your idea of me. 

With my brother finally going to the college of (somewhat) his dreams, I've been feeling... I don't know. Perhaps jealous? Unfair? Bitter? The crux of the problem is this, I feel like my parents are willing to spend every penny on him... and not me, not even themselves. 

When I wanted to go to Singapore for uni, they told me point blank no. They still had to pay for years of my brother's education. Fair enough. I was disappointed, of course. But I tried to use numbers to cheer myself up. Calculating and comparing expenses became my escape. Although, even years after that I'm still reminded of that disappointment again and again. The ache dulls but is never gone. I am hyper-aware that the people I've met here have been all sorts of wonderful, but I also wonder what would my life be if I rebelled and went away anyway. 

I thought by holding down a proper job, I could finally chase my dreams. Setting goals, saving money, and finally studying abroad. But it all came crashing down tonight. 

From the start, we knew sending my brother to Singaporean uni was mission impossible. The family's current financial condition is a far cry from when I was about to go to uni. Calculating all the possible savings and potential income (that very possibly may not come), parents were able to scrape just a little under half of the expected expenses. And that's when we didn't take into account that not only my brother have to live, but we have to survive here too. Even with that knowledge, he still went anyway. 

I sincerely wanted to congratulate him for getting in, and actually going for it. But my brain didn't let me. My thoughts went far. At this age, conversations with friends and colleagues somehow end up with talking about weddings. Not that I already have someone to marry right now, but I know how expensive weddings can be. And I also know my parents will definitely want to invite people I barely know but they deem important. And it will cost money. And I don't think they can contribute to that. I kinda envy my friends who can, in confidence, say that the wedding is really their parents' event or whose parents have confidently said of course they will pay for things. Who am I kidding, even romance is a luxury at this point.

Tonight, at the dinner table, my father was saying repeatedly how we wanted to terminate both of my parents' health insurance. It also came to light that my father has developed a bit of cataract, but stubbornly doesn't want to be treated. Why? Because every bit of money should go towards my brother. In that short time, I was trying to work out how to fix things. Perhaps, I can pay for their insurance. Sure, insurance for people their age is not cheap. But I have also seen first-hand, how expensive treating ailments can be. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. No one wants their parents to be sick, but it's a public secret that as you age there is a higher risk of everything. And for now, I still do not have the kind of money to cover everything. Yes, insurance is not cheap but hospital bills are way scarier. 

Then, after dinner, my mother sat down with me. We first talked about the insurance, but it ended up with her iterating that they need my help to cover my brother's expenses. She asked whether I would feel burdened, but can I even say no at this point? 

She also mentioned, maybe I can stop my monthly donations to UNICEF? But the donation amount is pretty much nothing compared to the amount of contribution expected that I later found out. And it had always been my dream before I started working to donate to UNICEF. The aggregated funds are used to better the health and basic education of children coming from low-income families. Children cannot choose the environment they are born in. And let's be real, enough nutrition and basic education are basic needs. Studying abroad is only something good to have. It's not like any of us is doomed because of having local education. 

The final blow was when I heard the amount of contribution expected. It's pretty much the amount I've been trying to save for going to a language school abroad. With that, the dream I've been nurturing for a few years now is also trampled. Don't get me wrong, I am very fortunate and grateful I have the kind of income I have in my situation. So, why so fatalistic? I crunch numbers daily. I know how much I need to save, how much I can spend, and what I can expect from my income. There's already not much room for movement when around 50% of monthly income already goes to committed savings. If I give that amount for my brother, of course, I have to sacrifice something. Some people will say, oh you can go out less. I already don't go out that much 😕 If I don't go out at all, I might go crazy for real.

There was a mention of how, with our support, there is hope that he can finish his education there and improve his standard of living. Then, I was thinking about how can we expect a guy who doesn't even remember his parents' birthday to be willing to support them in the future? People can change, and I sure do hope my brother will. I don't want to get my hopes up, I have to work (or marry a rich guy). Say goodbye to early retirement dreams. Maybe I should explore the idea of opening up a small catering business for extra income. Or maybe get some tuition students again? Ideas in passing, not sure whether I still have this much bitter resolve tomorrow morning. 

Months ago, my mother said it is good that I have a brother. I was very selfish as a kid. And I cannot deny that I am inherently selfish. I still very much am. I always hoped that my brother wouldn't have to go through the misery I had letting go of my dream of studying in Singapore. But now that he's able to somewhat live the dream, why am I so bitter? How come one sacrifice lead to even more?