(Un)enchanted

Howdy! It's a rare occasion to blog somewhat close to my latest post. But I just can't take it anymore, need to pour this feeling out somewhere. 

At the start of the month, I moved out of the family house temporarily. I want to experience living independently, genuinely having to do everything on my own. That sounds like I enjoy giving myself more trouble, but the idea of having my own space is just too irresistible. Aside from the obvious financial implication, I have thoroughly enjoyed having this alone time with some sprinkles of calls and chats with family and friends. It has been a blast!

And that enjoyment got me thinking about this situationship/some/whatever this is I'm currently on. Like, if I'm enjoying this alone time this much, am I ready for a relationship? To give you a bit of background, I attended friends' weddings in Bandung in February. Bandung, as you may know, is not where I'm based so I didn't know many people. I only knew my high school friends who attended the same weddings. But then, just a day after I returned home, one of the grooms texted me saying that I had caught his friend's eye. I was certain he was asking for a completely different person, but the person in the photo was, no doubt, me. 

Flattered. That was the first thing that I felt. In a room full of people, I'm never one who grabs others' attention. But this time I did. So the feeling was very... fresh. 

The glow did not last long. Texting this person simply does not make me feel anything. I know, I know, if one actually has a relationship it's not all about the pink and cheery feeling in the long run. Drawing comparison to our day-to-day life, we survive on plain water, not the sugary drinks we enjoy occasionally on a hot day. But just around 2 weeks in, I began dreading his messages. I know if I were talking to an IRL friend about the same topics, I would feel happy. But texting him quickly became a chore because everything felt forced and I ended up replying just to be polite (Asian culture ftw?). 

He said that he is coming. He felt there is a need for us to actually talk face-to-face. This news threw me scrambling in panic. I am not the best person in the world, but I certainly do not want someone to waste time, energy and resources on something that will end up for nought. I told him this as much to set expectations. Then, one line he said in that conversation stayed with me and I just can't shake off the unpleasant feeling. I know he said it in good faith, but I just... I'm just not so sure it's actually good. He said something along the line of "I saw you at that party, I liked you, and I feel like it's foolish if I don't even try when I know I will never find someone like you again". As soon as the call ended, it got me thinking. Isn't it just infatuation? He didn't even know my name! Much less my personality and whatnot. What he liked is the idea of me, in that dainty floral dress and white stiletto looking as feminine as I can be. 

Anyways, apparently, even after that talk, he is still coming. Soon. And I'm kind of dreading it. Let's see what comes out of that visit. 

So, what's the deal with all this to deserve its own blog post? Growing up, I imagined falling in love at first sight as something like Taylor Swift's "Enchanted" - looking at a dreary situation and then everything becomes peachy pink once you see that one person. I guess childhood fantasy is called a fantasy for a reason. Reality simply pales in comparison. My head's in the cloud and now it's time to come back down. 

One thing I notice from this saga tho, I crave familiarity. Which is something that someone, who is practically a stranger, cannot offer. Instead of "Enchanted" I may want something more like The Script's "Never seen anything quite like you". Not saying that this is the only right way to go because an interpersonal relationship is not patent like a mathematics formula, but at least that's what I think I want. 

One thing learned but a lot more unanswered questions. With my age increasing day by day, am I supposed to grab every remote interest towards me? This disinterest, is it because I am daunted by the pressure, or do I just have some kind of commitment issue? Or is it simply because a romantic relationship is currently not my top priority (but when will it ever tho)? All I know is that I'm currently very much unenchanted. 

All in all, I have so many things to say about this but don't have enough eloquence to express all these unnecessarily complicated feelings. Meanwhile, please enjoy this song I have been enjoying these days [partly enjoying this song because it's relatable AF now].