May 3, 2022

Where and when did it all go wrong?

Hi! It's been quite a while and I hope life is treating you well. I know there are only two people who consistently read this blog, so let me write this one as if I'm talking to you two. 

To be honest, April was not that good to me. I was about to unload and write last week but decided against it because of time constraints and, well, I was sick. So, I'm here today with a clearer headspace so (hopefully) I can see things more objectively. 

You know, when people ask about my work, I would complain but ultimately say that it's okay. I guess, the correct answer is the opposite. I felt like drowning with work in April. I said to myself, this is normal, this is probably just high season, this too shall pass. But they just keep coming - when I was barely done with one, another one gave an unwelcome surprise. This was definitely not what I imagined at the end of 2021, by now the workload should be more manageable already.

You and I know, that sometimes we can only see a problem when it becomes too big, when it has passed our threshold, so to speak. I remember during OBS, I was sick. Nothing too serious, but definitely not in my tip-top condition for long hikes, kayaking and whatnot. On one of the days we had a long trek, some of my teammates said I looked pretty pale. I insisted I was fine (well, as fine as a sick person can be) because no matter my condition we did have to move campsite anyways. Even as I started hyperventilating, I still said I was fine. Thank goodness our team instructor was firm and declared that no, that is not how fine looks like, let's take a break. This time I also thought I was fine, I'll just brisk-walk my problems away. Clearly, the brisk-walking did not solve my problem. The workload still piled up and I guess the stress caught up to me and I woke up with severe heartburn(?) after years of not having it. I was planning to catch up on work that weekend, but the pain did not allow me to. The following week, I barely managed to do the bare minimum. So, there's that. I guess the weekend OT was not necessary after all? (only needed it for peace of mind, I guess). 

On that topic, I feel like I'm never good enough. Having to meet the damned bell curve at work makes me feel things I haven't felt since graduating from JC. OT is definitely not a criteria for a good performance, but if I don't do it then I'm barely managing the minimum. What about the work-life balance I've always wanted then?

During one of my brisk-walking/running sessions then I thought of this: sense of security is so precious, people like me are willing to pay even for a false one. In this case, I'm paying for job and financial security with a little bit of my sanity and work-life balance. I don't have the courage to make a move, there is just no guarantee that the new place will be better in terms of anything. That is why I admire those people who can take that leap of faith, people like you who know what you want and strives for it. 

To end the self-pity session, I was reminded of this one line of a very unrelated song: even the stars, they burn, some even fall to the earth. Though not very relevant, I hope this can also give you some comfort as it did to me when it crossed my mind some days ago. 

The good (?) news is we're going to start working from the office soon. Hopefully, some proper human interaction can help me untangle the messy web of thoughts I have. 

As usual, thank you for reading this ever-messy post. Hope both of you are happy wherever you are, whatever you do. 

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