for lovers who hesitate

The title of this entry probably does not quite fit the content. Chose it just because it's a good song and I am a person full of hesitations at this point. 

I can finally truly feel the expectations from my parents for a certain aspect of my life. Which, I guess,  makes sense. My mom was 29 when she got married, and I'm reaching that age in just a few short months without a prospective partner. On top of that, we live in a society where getting your children (especially daughters) married off is one of the most important KPIs in life. My dad has started dropping hints. My mom encouraged me to start using a dating app at one point. Many people around us 'panic' along with my parents seeing this girl pushing 30 not yet having a partner. 

Meanwhile, I have built up a thicker and longer wall to break through. Elsa from Frozen has her "conceal, don't feel, don't let them know". I have my own mantra now: take it slow, don't rush, think twice. I just want to prevent unnecessary heartbreak, be it at my side or at the other party's side. Preventing an unnecessary 'try' that leads to a heartache, just like the last one. Granted, it was probably a boss-level difficulty relationship for a first one. But it just ended so fast, it's almost laughable. 

An attempt was made by someone from the church. Everything he did (which was not much) did not sit right with me. There was probably nothing really wrong with the person. I just wasn't ready, I guess? And he was super serious about it, so I got scared by the thought of such commitment. Perhaps it was a wasted chance. Perhaps it was never meant to be. Whichever it is, I'm just glad it was over. 

Not long after that, my mom's friends each have one or two guys they want to introduce to me. Bless their hearts, but I don't know why they all did this at the same time. Oh God, just the thought of having to get to know someone frightens me, what more for multiple people! It's a lot of work, and I have the personality of plain white bread when I still don't feel close to the person. I feel like it's just putting in work on a mission impossible. 

I expressed my reluctance to my parents, but they were like "if you don't try with at least one of them, do you have any guy friend you have a chance with?" Well, as you all already know, the answer was "No" 😅. 

How great it would be if I could somehow find that special someone in my very limited pool of friends. As I dread having to be acquainted with new people, my mind started imagining elsewhere. If my life were a movie, and I'm the main character with guts, I'd probably have these pick-up lines said to my available friends. One of them was sharing my family's music streaming service subscription, so I can probably say "You're already in my OOO family account, why don't you be my real family?". To the other, I'd probably say "If by the age of 32 we are not with anyone else, let's get married". This is pure imagination tho, me irl would not dare say anything close to these lines 😬

Enough daydreaming, let's go back to the ground. One of my friends said that there is no need to be too burdened with expected results; I owe it to myself to at least try. And so, I'm trying. I don't know how it will go; it can go well, it can go badly. I'm not getting my hopes up. 

So there's that. Friends, I know we're all at different stages in life, so you probably are not facing the same headache as I am right now. In the rare event when you are praying and think of me, please pray for me so I can get through this stage of life 😬. At the same time, I also hope that whatever comes your way can be solved in the best way possible. 

Lastly, I hope you enjoy the song that became the title of this post as much as I do!