2021

The thing that must not be named is here longer than it is welcome. For that, I thought I wouldn't have much to write for a look back on 2021. Unexpectedly the year gave me a lot of time to think amid all the tedium, and so here we are again. 

Where do we start? Hmm, my days were mostly spent working. The theme for 2021 was definitely "overtime". I've never worked this long and hard before, not even during A-level. I did some rough calculations, and boy oh boy, the pie chart does give some perspective. Please refer to Figures 1 and 2 to appreciate my art. 

Figure 1

Figure 2

As exhibited by the pie chart, normally fun and work will be much more balanced. However, in 2021 the hours are definitely skewed more to work. Now that I see this pie chart I'm questioning my recent decision to take two 3-hour-exams at the end of January 2022. Do I really want to spend more time studying when I've already worked so much?

This segues to my predicament. I've been wanting to go to school again. I don't know whether it's because of my thirst for knowledge or I'm just starting to feel bored (?) by my job. At first, and actually, for a long time, I've been thinking to go for a master's degree abroad. Study a little more, see the world a little more, savour my youth a little more. But spending some time studying for this exam makes me rethink things. I may go a little crazy if I have to spend more time looking at numbers and taxes. They're just not as exciting anymore for me. And so, I transitioned to think about my other interest: language. Long time readers of this blog probably know that I like k-drama and k-pop. That opened the gates to my desire to learn the Korean language. At the same time, it's a real pity that I, a Chinese descendant, practically understand 0 Chinese. Good skills in any of these two languages also will definitely open up a lot more opportunities work-wise, so there's another reason to learn a language.  

Let's backtrack a little and talk a little more about, I guess, more general concerns. Grief. As I grow older, this topic weighs heavier in my mind simply because it is, unfortunately, a natural course of life and I've seen or heard of it quite a lot of times in 2021. So here comes my question, is there any predetermined etiquette we have to follow? 

From the perspective of a friend/acquaintance, what are we supposed to do? Publicly announce your condolences, express it through a private message, or just pretend not to know because it's not pleasant? Then also comes the question, how much are we supposed to give for condolence money, is there any standard? We all know for a fact that funerals are not cheap. 

From the perspective of the bereaved, how are we supposed to act? One of my cousins got a lot of flak because she did not cry at all during her father's funeral. Was it wrong of her to put up a strong front? She was the only child, after all, her mother can only lean on her.  Or maybe the correct way is to pretend to be happy? (I also wonder whether we're expected to smile or put on a neutral face when taking family photo in this context). 

One thing I'm sure of is everyone process grief differently. I don't know when and where we start differentiating what is acceptable and what is not in this very confusing time. The world puts so much emphasis on sharing happiness, success stories and the overall best part of our lives that it becomes hard (and almost taboo) to process our grief. 

Going back to a more lighthearted topic: marriage. I don't even want to start counting the number of posts about proposals, engagements, and weddings in 2021, it almost feels like a trend! I get it that we are at that age, no one would just casually sign a marriage certificate, all those people must have known each other enough to trust that their relationship will stand the test of time and what have you. But as someone who has never been in a romantic relationship, when I see these posts I always think "how can you be so sure?". I, a person who is still undecisive even about what to eat during breakfast, what to wear to go out, whether this job is right for me, can't fathom how one can be so ready about a lifetime commitment. I'll probably keep wondering until I finally get to meet the one I can be certain about in this uncertain world.

Anyways, juxtaposing myself with many old friends and acquaintances, I feel very... how to put it? Confused, unsettled, I guess? It always seems like everyone has concrete steps in every aspect of their lives, while I'm just like a leaf that lets the wind take me wherever it wants. Will I continue to stay this way? I definitely hope not. I'd like to gain ownership of my life again. 

The first step is to make a small(er) resolution for 2022. In previous years I would always want to achieve so many things, but none end up coming up true. So this year I only have one goal. To be able to run 2.4km with decent timing by the end of the year. I have been living a super sedentary lifestyle these 2 years and I just don't feel good :') Some of my favourite clothes have become snugger than I like them to be. In addition, I just stumbled upon my photo from 10 years ago, and damn I had a pretty decent jawline back then. The most important factor, I'm just so easily tired now it's ridiculous. So yeah... 

Maybe thinking about going to school again, or whatever strong emotions that have yet to come can be put off another year. Let's just have a healthy 2022 everyone :)

P.S. As always my post ends up being a huge mess. However, I do hope by reading this you get a little bit of comfort that you are not alone in this big mystery of being in your 20s. Happy new year!