Well, I was excited! The excitement lasted up until yesterday, just the day after I arrived. It's odd, to say the least. I want to be excited about the new things that are yet to come, but now only dread is left. I feel very helpless and lost. No amount of studying Korean before I came can make me feel confident enough to face the new challenges head-on. What's worse is that I don't know whether this irrational fear is simply caused by my monthly guest that oh-so-conveniently came 2 days ago, or by other things that I can't explain.
This feeling took me way back to when I first came to Singapore. I had 2 friends with me, seniors who welcomed us warmly, and helpful staffs at the dorm. All those were not enough, my friend and I soon missed home and became pretty miserable. Now, it's happening again, with a greater language barrier and a greater distance from home.
Ah, I really want to shake off this feeling. Especially since the rest of my friends are fully enjoying and soaking up the Busan atmosphere. But I guess deciding to follow them today will not fix my homesickness, it may even amplify this feeling of non-belonging in this place. I guess the decision to stay back and sort out my feeling is better. I prefer missing a day of fun than keep feeling out of place for the rest of the year. Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow and enjoy my life to the fullest for the rest of my days here in Busan. The bottom line of this post is, I guess it's okay to feel not-okay even when everyone else is feeling more than okay. We gotta respect that feeling and eventually overcome it. Taking a rest is okay because forcing ourselves to be happy does not fix the problem but only sweeping it under the rug.
For now, my parents have given me some strength by having a long phone call. This song also has comforted me to some extent, I hope this song can also give you some comfort if you ever experience the same feeling.
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