Insecurities

I'm not supposed to be writing this, really. The start of A-level is only in 4 freaking days, which is super frightening. As the start of this battle is approaching really quickly and the end of October is drawing near, my mind can't help but stir up some insecurities (that have actually started brewing at the beginning of the month).

I believe everyone have their own insecurities. The difference is whether one allows them to overtake them and get them spiral down into a dark abyss of sadness and a feeling of being forever lacking. This is exactly why I'm writing this post now. I just need to let them out before they really take a toll on me. 

As I grow older, my worries becomes more serious. I mean, I had my insecurities in the past too but it was something that I didn't and don't really need to be concerned about. I quite take pride in my singing when I was in Primary 6 and early Junior High. I was no powerful singer like Ailee nor was I a soulful singer like K.will but I enjoyed singing and even took part in a singing competition (in which I lose miserably). As time goes, I came to term that I am not that good of a singer after all. I was rejected by school choir twice and that was perfectly fine (even though I was still disappointed for a while). Now, I understand that even some chickens actually sing better than me - especially if the chicken goes by the name of Park Jaehyung. 

Then as I turned 19 - and still pretty obsessed with K-pop, my insecurities over my looks and appearances in general exacerbate. Puberty hit me hard, just not the right way. There are so many beautiful people around me and exposure to the insanely good-looking people of K-pop does not really help either. There are just so many examples of "puberty hit him/her like a truck" phenomenons both in the Western media and K-pop. Take Matthew Lewis, Emma Watson and Jeon Jungkook for example. They were either cute or normal during their childhood and suddenly their attractiveness multiply by hundredfolds after puberty, which unfortunately does not apply to me. But, I take comfort in the fact that maybe it is for the best because I know that people befriend me for who I am (even after they know how harsh I can be). And I also don't want this kind of thing happen to me:

Predicaments of a handsome Squidward

This last concern is most probably the most relevant to my current condition as a soon to be exam-taker. As I have mentioned before, I applied for a Korean scholarship programme. Never have I wanted something so badly before, I have dreamt of having my tertiary education in Korea while at the same time basking in the glory for being so close to those bands that I admire. I have waited for this application since I was in secondary school but now that I have applied, the opportunity just slipped away from my hands. They don't even call me for interview. I am very tempted to still hold on to that thread of hope that they are just late, they are still going to call me. But, I am a realistic person and I know that this is already past the deadline. Gone are the dreams and my somewhat planned future. This brings me to my next worry : my A-level grades. If I had gotten that scholarship, everything will be smooth sailing and I can take my A-level with a light heart, the big A's would have been another small bump on the road. I'm so insecure. I'm not the brightest lightbulb in the socket. Will I be able to get a good enough grade to get another scholarship for my university days? The possibilities are endless and I am so scared. What if I don't get that insanely good A-level results? I can't burden my parents too much and my brother is still in Junior High too, all of us need something to survive. 

I just hope that in this last few days of preparation, I can study well and remember what I need to remember. I also hope that I can write out what is appropriate during exams. I will not let these insecurities tie me down during the exam that ultimately point to the road of my future.