Regret

Regretful. May be this is the most suitable word to describe my feeling these days. I keep on thinking the things that I have done wrong.

Decisions that I have made in the past are slowly changing my life. At first, it seems insignificant, just like a tiny fish in the middle of the great ocean. However, as the time goes by, the change become very obvious and can attack my mind anytime it wants to. 

I keep on recalling some past minor decisions. The last time my family and I had a proper family photo was on my 12th birthday. After that, even until now, I keep on resisting taking photos. Now, I regret my decision. Here - in the place where I am constantly demanded to be strong, dependent, and be the best - I need my family’s affection more than I have ever imagined before yet I don't really have the most updated proper family photos. I feel like this is so pathetic.

Sometimes I also question myself, why I didn’t spend more time with my grandma, the woman that had indirectly brought me to life. She cared for me so much when I was just a little girl, taking care of me when my mom was away. Now, when she needs company, I cannot be beside her. Even when I still had the chance to do so, I was too occupied with my own stuffs, going out with friends, getting tuition, and a lot more. This is one of my biggest regret.

I also upset my mother a lot. I thought that it would ease the pain when I had to leave for Singapore. It was only non-sense. It didn’t work at all; in fact it makes me regret more than I thought I would be.

The last thing is very confusing. Honestly, I cannot tell whether I am supposed to regret this. Coming to Singapore makes me face challenges in life, forced me to leave my comfortable zone, and dragged me away from my family. In the contrary, it makes me realize that the world is not only Indonesia and there are more advanced technology here. 

I'll tell you one very common thing that you may already be fed up with this, regret always comes later. It will never give you any chance to fix things when the damage has been made. So, the only thing that you and I can do is to love the life you live and live it to the fullest.