A very short summary of what I've been feeling throughout this COVID-19 debacle

It's supposed to be a good time to sit down, reflect and attempt to navigate through life. You know, setting goals and all that jazz. 

Instead, it seems like I've been drowning in desolation - barely escaping this chokehold with the help of nostalgia and fantasy of better days.

Catching Up (Covid-19 Edition)

How are you doing? I hope you are healthy and can still find reasons to smile even during this trying time. Anyways, let's catch up a little. It's around 1am now, and isn't it the best time to talk? That's when all the feels come out after all. 

2k19

This post was written and meant to be posted before 2019 ended, but s**t happened and my laptop broke down. I wrote down the reflection anyway, so that I can post it when I have access to a computer again! So here goes nothing.

포장 (Cover)

그 사람이 말한다. 

"선물? 너가 최고의 선물이지!"

포장지 뜰어도 같은 생각일까?

타블로 - 블로노트

That person said, 
"Present? You're the best present!"
I wonder if he will still think the same after opening the wrapping paper?
Tablo - Blonote

The fact that I can make a whole post because of this quote shows Tablo truly achieved his goal: making the writings in the book as a start of thoughts. 

Now, before we move further along, please do listen to the song below. This song came to my mind as soon as I read the aforementioned quote. The experience will be better if you understand the lyrics!

So, what makes me reflect after reading the quote/listening to the song? I think I've been holding back so much that people around me may not really know who I am as a person (damn, even I don't completely know myself!). What they've been seeing is the nicely packaged version that I'd like people to see. Problem is even this version has a lot of flaws that can be easily seen through. 

It's been a recurring theme in this blog about how I want to change. Isn't that also a form of setting-up the cover? While it's true that I want to "change for the better", it also shows that I'm trying to mould myself into a person people around me wants or needs. Am I doing it to be more accepted? Or is it sincerely what I want for myself? I don't even know anymore, need a lot more time to think about this.  

I hope I won't burn out keeping up this facade. I hope that there will come a time I can reveal my true self without any disguise. I hope that both me on stage and off stage will never be alone: because they are both me, even the shabby-looking one. 

I hope when the future me reads this, she would have found her answer. If not, this will be a timely reminder to find "the true me" in the midst of this increasingly chaotic world. 


P.S. This post was written a few days back. Wasn't posted on the same day so that there will be no interruption during the 30-day challenge

30 Day Challenge: A journey

So, my 30 Day Challenge finally ended yesterday. The one month truly passed like a blur, I can't believe that it's already December now.

Having said that, the challenge proved that writing, although can be very fun, needs to be well thought-out for it to mean anything. I also noticed that some (actually, most) posts are not as long as I had expected when I first started it. Maybe I didn't do this quite properly, so I'll definitely give this another try with a given minimum word count next year.

Nevertheless, I think this was a good experience. It taught me that writing does not have to be perfect. Starting with a few words is better than not writing at all. With this in mind, I think I'll write my fanfic more consistently from now on 😬. 

And now that the 30 Day Challenge has ended, you can definitely expect drastically less posts this month. However, one thing you can certainly look forward to is the yearly "in retrospect" post! See you next time :)

Day 30: A letter to yellowpostitman

Dear Jae,

If this was some kind of netflix movie or romance novel, this letter will definitely find its way to you. But this is the real world, so probably not. 

I first knew you not as yellowpostitman, but as Day6's Jae. That first line in "Congratulations" really hooked me not only into Day6, but also to you.

Day6 debuted right around my high school graduation, so I let myself buy your first mini album and tickets to your first fanmeeting in Singapore. Since then, I've fallen deeper. 

I love the music your group come out with. Every song sounds very different from each other, yet they all sound very Day6! I see that you've become more involved in the production too. Keep up the good work, so many of us are supporting all of you :)

I also admire how you can still manage to be so grounded despite all them sold-out concerts. Day6 fanbase is certainly growing and you are getting more recognition all around the world, and yet you still remember God. It's something I'd like to achieve too someday - remembering God not only in times of difficulty but also the good. 

For many people, you're maybe just the 등상 좋아하는 외국인 who tweets funny. But to me you're not only an artist but also a role model. You found your path, blaze through it, keep growing and yet still remember your roots.

Keep up your good work, enjoy your exponentially increasing lunch money, and most importantly keep being the awesome person you are :)

Yours sincerely,

Fangirl since day 1

Day 29: The one that inspires me

Inspiration comes in every shape and form. At least, that's true for sappy fanfic. That lightbulb moment can come from reading simple quotes and listening to song lyrics. It can also come from little moments to a dramatic love story unfolding in the classroom. 

However, if I have to answer about the other meaning of inspiration - the motivation to keep going - then it's a different story. If you asked me this question around 6-7 years ago, I'd probably answer Merry Riana. My father bought me her biography book and through that I found a lot of things in common. That shared situation made me think about how if she could get over her problem in even more difficulties, I should be okay too.

Now, that answer no longer applies to me. If anything, the only one that "inspires" me now is my family (or is it my pride?). Given the current condition of my family, I know I have to graduate quickly and help my parents. Clouded with that thought, of course I have to go on even when I don't want to.

So, that's that. The same thought has also been affecting decisions I make these days. One inspiration will definitely affect many other aspects of your life.