Should’ve done this post at the end of the year so I can truly show what I was actually feeling in 2025 *Le sigh* And since we are about halfway through 2026, let me just include some kind of mid-year reflection as well.
Anyways, let’s go through some highlights from last year and how I felt about them. I’m hoping this structure will also work to sort out my tangled mind right now. Starting light, went to The Script’s concert last year! The experience was wildly different from Day6’s concert in 2024. The main difference was the fact that they had an opening band. Tbh, I kinda felt sorry for the opening band. Out of all the songs they sang, the crowd was only familiar with and sang along to one song (The Reason – Hoobastank). The crowd was super dead even when the frontman was trying his best to build the hype 😬. Maybe one of the most exciting things from the concert was that Danny, The Script’s main singer, walked all the way from the middle of the hall to the front. I was sitting at the side, so I actually got a very close look at him! The guy was taller than I expected, but what did I expect from an ang moh 😅. My main takeaway from this experience is that concerts are better enjoyed together. If I have the chance to go to another concert, I would definitely try my best to go with a friend.
I also started going to the gym in 2025! Who knew, I, a person who barely passed the NAPFA test and likes long naps on the weekend, voluntarily signed up and paid to exercise? In the first few weeks, I felt a bit of despair. Because what do you mean you have to keep upping the weights?! Like, you just got used to the movement and that particular weight, and suddenly the weight has to be increased. If that’s the way gym works, then when do you get to live pain-free 😢? I can’t say that I am enjoying gym even now, but I think I’m getting used to it and seeing it more as a way to be healthy and fit as time is catching up. Fingers crossed I can continue to be consistent with this.
Going to a recurring theme in this year in recap posts: work. Gosh, I don’t know how many times I’ve said this: I love my colleagues. Not sure whether I would have had the same feeling if I worked elsewhere with a different culture, but these people with the current culture are just *chef’s kiss*. I actually prefer going to the office instead of working at home because of them! From simply working together, outings and attending office events, they made 2025 a colourful year. Having said that, I realise that I should and probably could have performed better as an employee and consequently a teammate. Still not sure what the reason was, but I still cannot find the motivation to work as diligently as I did 3 or more years ago. It currently feels like I’m trying to grasp as many things as I can, and everything just ends up slipping through my fingers. At the same time, I see everyone around me hard at work and acing whatever it is they are doing. Definitely hoping this is just impostor syndrome talking, but I would be very grateful if there’s any viable way to boost productivity.
I could’ve stopped writing on the topic of work if I had actually finished writing this blog entry months ago. But just a few weeks ago, there were quite a few shakeups in the organisation announced. A manager is moving to another subdivision, a colleague is moving back to her old subdivision, I’ll be moving up to her role, and there is a hiring freeze so my replacement is not coming anytime soon. This change brings uncertainty with the teammates being changed up. At the same time, I should be happy being promoted. Well, I am happy that I will get to leave behind one of the job desc I am no longer enjoying, but with my doubts in my own performance, I am more scared of what this promotion will bring. My mom sees it as a blessing, I’m wondering whether it will be a curse. Ahh, should be more careful with what I’m saying. I just hope that things will turn out to be steps toward betterment.
Another recurring theme, as you may have guessed, is romance (or the hope that there is one). Starting good, a friend’s wedding. The downpour was a complete surprise in June. What’s good, though, this surprise truly showed me my friend has truly got herself a great partner. I don’t know what exactly went through her mind that day, I bet there was some anxiety due to the unexpected. But through that, I can see the person whom I’ve only seen in unserious situations handle things as best as he can, and at the same time still prioritizing my friend. Ah, I don’t know what else to say, 2 of my oldest, bestest friends have gotten themselves great husbands, and for that I am very happy for them!
While I’ve been sharing nothing but good news about my friends’ love life, mine is definitely a night and day difference. There were a couple of matchmaking attempts, which is not a surprise at this point. The first one just came out of nowhere at church. At that time, I still stupidly held on to the very thin sliver of hope that somehow my relationship could have been salvaged, somehow like pressing the play button after a pause (it was instead a stop button as we know by now). And the guy was, I don't know, treating things like we already knew each other forever when we barely knew each other? I cut this off cleanly pretty fast, I was honest that I have not exactly moved on, yada yada. And somehow, I'm relieved that I did because he's already getting married within this year. Not sure how I can describe this feeling of relief, but I feel like if I had responded positively at that time, I would just be sliding into a major milestone of my life instead of making conscious decisions towards it.
The second one was by my mom's friend. Felt like everyone put so much hope on this one - I became more scared. [Writing this sentence makes me think that I'm most probably an avoidant type. I pull away when someone tries to get close.] I was already somewhat more open to new beginnings, but at the same time I was also more guarded. On paper, getting matched to this guy should be a heaven-sent blessing. Loving family, strong Christian faith, good age gap, and, to be frank, economic status were also very promising. There should be nothing to hate about this arrangement. But the longer it went on, the more stressed I became. It felt like my mom wanted me to like this guy, his family kept trying to meet me, and in one of our chat messages he discussed about the reason for marriage (which further highlights our differences). Everything felt too serious, too fast. At one point, I even cried because of the pressure. My mom kept telling me to just try. But what was the point? I was already too stressed for what was supposed to be a simple introduction. And so, it ended. I thought it was the kind thing to do instead of giving false hope. At the same time, I kind of feel bad for him and his family. Maybe I should've done things differently? But I was already at my breaking point by that time, so this end was much needed for my own sanity.
I keep wondering whether something's wrong with me. People around me are so ready to receive and give love. While for me, it feels like I have a very tall order as a prerequisite to receive/give love. The problem is that there are no clear guidelines as to what the requirements are. At the same time, my mom keeps nudging me to find love. I can't even make this up, she keeps sending me reels on dating tips and that I have to change my mindset to start finding love. Without her reels, I already requested a book as my 2025 birthday gift on this exact topic (Thanks CPS girlies for the gift!). I'm not even sure whether I keep dragging my feet just because I don't have the drive to find love, or exactly because my mom keeps trying to push (or perhaps other reasons I can't think of yet).
Anyways, this post has ended being too angsty. To close, though, I just want to remind you and myself a few things to hopefully make living life a little easier:
As always, I would like to share a song that I have been enjoying (and somehow relates to the current situation):
Thanks for reading this super late entry!
I also started going to the gym in 2025! Who knew, I, a person who barely passed the NAPFA test and likes long naps on the weekend, voluntarily signed up and paid to exercise? In the first few weeks, I felt a bit of despair. Because what do you mean you have to keep upping the weights?! Like, you just got used to the movement and that particular weight, and suddenly the weight has to be increased. If that’s the way gym works, then when do you get to live pain-free 😢? I can’t say that I am enjoying gym even now, but I think I’m getting used to it and seeing it more as a way to be healthy and fit as time is catching up. Fingers crossed I can continue to be consistent with this.
Going to a recurring theme in this year in recap posts: work. Gosh, I don’t know how many times I’ve said this: I love my colleagues. Not sure whether I would have had the same feeling if I worked elsewhere with a different culture, but these people with the current culture are just *chef’s kiss*. I actually prefer going to the office instead of working at home because of them! From simply working together, outings and attending office events, they made 2025 a colourful year. Having said that, I realise that I should and probably could have performed better as an employee and consequently a teammate. Still not sure what the reason was, but I still cannot find the motivation to work as diligently as I did 3 or more years ago. It currently feels like I’m trying to grasp as many things as I can, and everything just ends up slipping through my fingers. At the same time, I see everyone around me hard at work and acing whatever it is they are doing. Definitely hoping this is just impostor syndrome talking, but I would be very grateful if there’s any viable way to boost productivity.
I could’ve stopped writing on the topic of work if I had actually finished writing this blog entry months ago. But just a few weeks ago, there were quite a few shakeups in the organisation announced. A manager is moving to another subdivision, a colleague is moving back to her old subdivision, I’ll be moving up to her role, and there is a hiring freeze so my replacement is not coming anytime soon. This change brings uncertainty with the teammates being changed up. At the same time, I should be happy being promoted. Well, I am happy that I will get to leave behind one of the job desc I am no longer enjoying, but with my doubts in my own performance, I am more scared of what this promotion will bring. My mom sees it as a blessing, I’m wondering whether it will be a curse. Ahh, should be more careful with what I’m saying. I just hope that things will turn out to be steps toward betterment.
Another recurring theme, as you may have guessed, is romance (or the hope that there is one). Starting good, a friend’s wedding. The downpour was a complete surprise in June. What’s good, though, this surprise truly showed me my friend has truly got herself a great partner. I don’t know what exactly went through her mind that day, I bet there was some anxiety due to the unexpected. But through that, I can see the person whom I’ve only seen in unserious situations handle things as best as he can, and at the same time still prioritizing my friend. Ah, I don’t know what else to say, 2 of my oldest, bestest friends have gotten themselves great husbands, and for that I am very happy for them!
While I’ve been sharing nothing but good news about my friends’ love life, mine is definitely a night and day difference. There were a couple of matchmaking attempts, which is not a surprise at this point. The first one just came out of nowhere at church. At that time, I still stupidly held on to the very thin sliver of hope that somehow my relationship could have been salvaged, somehow like pressing the play button after a pause (it was instead a stop button as we know by now). And the guy was, I don't know, treating things like we already knew each other forever when we barely knew each other? I cut this off cleanly pretty fast, I was honest that I have not exactly moved on, yada yada. And somehow, I'm relieved that I did because he's already getting married within this year. Not sure how I can describe this feeling of relief, but I feel like if I had responded positively at that time, I would just be sliding into a major milestone of my life instead of making conscious decisions towards it.
The second one was by my mom's friend. Felt like everyone put so much hope on this one - I became more scared. [Writing this sentence makes me think that I'm most probably an avoidant type. I pull away when someone tries to get close.] I was already somewhat more open to new beginnings, but at the same time I was also more guarded. On paper, getting matched to this guy should be a heaven-sent blessing. Loving family, strong Christian faith, good age gap, and, to be frank, economic status were also very promising. There should be nothing to hate about this arrangement. But the longer it went on, the more stressed I became. It felt like my mom wanted me to like this guy, his family kept trying to meet me, and in one of our chat messages he discussed about the reason for marriage (which further highlights our differences). Everything felt too serious, too fast. At one point, I even cried because of the pressure. My mom kept telling me to just try. But what was the point? I was already too stressed for what was supposed to be a simple introduction. And so, it ended. I thought it was the kind thing to do instead of giving false hope. At the same time, I kind of feel bad for him and his family. Maybe I should've done things differently? But I was already at my breaking point by that time, so this end was much needed for my own sanity.
I keep wondering whether something's wrong with me. People around me are so ready to receive and give love. While for me, it feels like I have a very tall order as a prerequisite to receive/give love. The problem is that there are no clear guidelines as to what the requirements are. At the same time, my mom keeps nudging me to find love. I can't even make this up, she keeps sending me reels on dating tips and that I have to change my mindset to start finding love. Without her reels, I already requested a book as my 2025 birthday gift on this exact topic (Thanks CPS girlies for the gift!). I'm not even sure whether I keep dragging my feet just because I don't have the drive to find love, or exactly because my mom keeps trying to push (or perhaps other reasons I can't think of yet).
Anyways, this post has ended being too angsty. To close, though, I just want to remind you and myself a few things to hopefully make living life a little easier:
- Everyone has their own timeline. There is no point in trying to compare what other people around you have done and/or achieved to yourself.
- Someone's success is not your failure!
- There's no need to act cool as a cucumber when the situation is definitely not cool. You have kind people around you for support or at least just to share what's weighing on your mind.
- This is more for me, but do not assign happiness to a person. Figure yourself out first, then you may feel happiness that comes from within. Friends, family, flirtations should be the cherry on top instead of the actual ice cream sundae(?)
As always, I would like to share a song that I have been enjoying (and somehow relates to the current situation):
Thanks for reading this super late entry!
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