A Bitter Day

Before anything, please don't worry! Everything is fine 😁 

I just want to write this after watching episode 3 of "Her Private Life". It brought me back to times I thought were the worst days of my life. These were the days when I probably cried harder than when 5-year-old me fell down headfirst (!) after jumping around on my parent's bed. 

When I think about it, it seemed like those days were the epitome of the Indonesian proverb "Sudah jatuh, tertimpa tangga". It can be loosely translated to not only do you fall, but the ladder also falls on you. The fall hurts more because it's from higher ground. On top of that, a more unfortunate event happened. 

One of the contenders is the day when I got rejected from the last one of my dream universities. I was working as a tuition teacher that day. The first students of the day were my favourite, they were around my brother's age and lessons with them were always fun. Then, in the middle of the session, an e-mail came in. I was rejected. I was somewhat in shock and sad, but those students tried to comfort me in their own way. And so, I pulled through the lesson. The day, however, definitely did not end there. Mother of another student called to specifically berate me because she did not see the result she wanted: 3 months worth of improvement in just 2 weeks. The blow from this call finally knocked down what little defence I have left to survive the day. 

The other one is the day when my grandma passed away. I remember it was a nice sunny day. We had a school cross-country event. It was the first event we, first years, had outside of the school compound. It was exciting. We took tons of photos from the second we arrived at the park. We had lots of laughs during the event. We had fun. That took a turn quickly when the event was about to end. My mom called that my grandma was at her last moments and told me to say my last words to her. Now, I only had one grandparent since I was born, the others left the world way before my parents even met. So the news was unsurprisingly devastating. I cried at the park where many fellow students could see me. Cried again at a restaurant where my friends and I were having lunch since my mom confirmed grandma's passing.  

I'm very grateful to have amazing friends and family who helped me through those periods in my life. Also, when a tragedy struck and took away one of our friends, we talked a lot together and went through mourning together. With time and support, I have come to an acceptance. 

However, I sometimes wonder what will be different if none of those happened. It just feels weird, knowing the world keeps spinning no matter what happens to you, be it good or bad. It also feels rather weird thinking that strangers will have their daily life just fine, regardless of other people's extinguished dreams and loss of loved ones. 

The bottom line is life still goes on despite minor or major bad days. It's okay to cry, there's no shame in feeling things. But just know that better days will come and you can smile again. 

Out of context: Writing all these reminds me of this song way back from when I was in secondary school. It also says one day you will be smiling again despite a separation. So yeah, even on bad days, please remember there is hope for better days!