24

I'd like to preface this by saying that this birthday post may be rather different than usual. First of all, I usually post exactly as the clock struck midnight in whatever timezone I was in. This time it's more than a month late. Then again, it's better late than never. Second, I mostly want to write this one to organize my messy thoughts, so this post will probably have you end up with more questions than whatever answers you might expect to come across here. But if you still want to dive deeper to what I have been thinking, come along and read more below. 

My year as 23 years old was pretty much wasted away in quarantine. I can't deny that it started out great. I was in South Korea on student exchange and spent a wonderful time there. I also looked forward to what the beautiful-looking 2020 can bring. But the year swiftly demolished any form of hopes and excitement. COVID-19 comes and it almost looks like it's here to stay. 

Though I can safely say that I'm a homebody, being stripped of the choice to go out quickly made me feel trapped. It also sprouts some kind of resentment to the shop my family has been running since I was in preschool. You see, we no longer have a helper, so watching the shop become everyone's job. That also means we have to face many many people who apparently lack basic decency and tact. This is one of the reasons I don't like tending the shop most of the time. And I never missed it, not even once, when I was away from home. But it doesn't stop there. 

I was lucky to land an internship before graduating (now on a full-time contract after graduating!). That meant working 8-5 every day, Monday to Friday. On lunch break, more people come to the shop (meaning my lunch break may not really be a break). On weekends, that are meant for an actual break from work, parents often go out to sort out whatever business they need to do and that meant I can't just do whatever I want to do to relax (can't even calmly writing this in one go as usual). Now, I understand that everyone, including my parents also want some break. I also understand they go out not to have fun, but there are real issues that they need to solve while someone still keeps an eye on the shop. And no, we can't really close up the shop because it's pretty much the only our source of living. So, although reluctant, I still have to do it. Refusing to do so and throwing a hissy fit will only win me the spoiled-ungrateful-brat title in record-breaking time. For now, I can only curse at the wind (and I have been doing it pretty often these days). Isn't it better than cursing at people?

Onto the topic of my actual current job. It's been such a blessing in a time of pandemic like this and I am truly grateful for that. However, after doing the pretty much the exact same thing for months with minimum social interaction, my job feels monotone and daunting even. These days, the ping of Skype and Microsoft Teams gives me so much anxiety. It always brings a thought to my head "WTH have I done wrong this time?" though oftentimes those chats don't necessarily talk about mistakes. Many days I feel like the most exciting part of my day is when I'm dreaming, a.k.a when I'm sleeping. So times and times again, I have to remind myself that something is better than nothing at all. I may not be truly happy with the way things are now, but it definitely helps put food on the table and gives my family a little breathing space in terms of expenses. 

Having said that, I felt like I'm okay with the way things are now. Considering the fact that no condition is perfect in this world, things are really okay now. That is how I thought until a few weeks ago. I was chatting with a high school friend and his question made me think. Is it okay to only be fine with things? Human, by nature, always want something better after all. And better stuffs don't just come to you, concrete plans and strategies must be made to actually arrive there. For a while, I've been saying to myself as long as I can earn enough money to live, invest and have some fun that is enough. But, again, after I was asked that question, I asked myself what I actually want because this job definitely does not give me any sense of fulfilment. As of now, the only answer that I can come up is something along the line of being a teacher. But I also know that it does not guarantee the level of income that I want, so we'll see about that in the future. 

Alright, let's end with the sad stuffs. I want to say that I was very happy to have spent the last few hours of me being 23 and the first few minutes of being 24 with old friends (via zoom). We talked and played together after a while. The positivity carried me through the next working week. It felt great!

Now, this is adulting. Not at 17 when you can legally drive and drink. I am now faced with real concerns and uncertainties. Be it finance or anything else, I have to rethink about my needs, wants, and future. Weirdly enough, I am not concerned too much about my currently non-existent love life, though I still do swoon over cute videos and fics. 

Which brings me to the fact that I want to write more. In what form, I don't know. But I feel like I need that outlet to keep me sane. Then again,  24 hours is not enough as Sunmi once said. More than ever, I can attest to this. I want to do so many things, including writing, catching-up with friends and watch dramas but there are always only 24 hours in a day!

If you manage to stay until this paragraph, thank you for reading! This entry is such a mess even though it literally took me one month to finish TT. Maybe to sum it up, I will tell you what I want to achieve (personality-wise?) in the next year. Since it seems that I'm on the right track of being more mellow, in the sense that I don't get angry and explode as often, I feel like it is now time for me to navigate between feelings and logic, also rediscover what it means to manage time meaningfully.